I have learned that finding a passion and following it will help fight the war going on inside of each of us. Whether that’s anger, depression, PTSD, or a myriad of other things that we each face daily. For me I have a hard time finding a passion and sticking to it. I once decided that I wanted to learn sidewalk spray paint art and I did. I got good at it and called it quits. I learned how to rebuild a motorcycle, I did it once and quit. I got super into fishing and now a days I barely go out fishing anymore. I spent tons of time learning to garden and building garden beds and this year I was so just blah by it that my garden died early mostly because of too much rain but also because I didnt try hard enough. So for me the depression ruins hobbies and enjoyment until I found the one thing I enjoy more than anything else.

I started coaching to make my wife and kids happy and soccer was just the sport they were playing so thats where we started. At first I was pretty horrible and it wasn’t a pretty team but I got better. I learned and adapted and truly cared about every kid that I got a chance to coach. I gave baseball a try, I was scared my body couldnt do it and spent 6 months with a Physical Therapist making my arm move right to be able to toss the ball right. I was horrible at throwing at first but I found my spot and found my groove. The care I had matured in soccer manifested itself in baseball. I now had a bunch of little boys hanging onto words and actions. I was hooked.

I am only 3 seasons into baseball but I made the decision last season to not coach soccer at the very least next season and maybe never again. I want to focus on baseball and let soccer go back to being fun and not a competition between coaching friends. I find baseball different because I see baseball as fun no matter the score. I have been destroyed and enjoyed every at bat by the team and the fielding excitement of trying. I have also been extremely up and found that to be harder to deal with keeping kids heads in the game. I never had that much fun in soccer no matter the score. I think that is because I do not find the sport as enjoyable, maybe I dont know. What I do know is I found my sport in baseball.

I found the place I belong and thats teaching young boys how to field a grounder and hit a fastball. I am not saying I am a genius at baseball but I am saying I am willing and able to learn the game on the same level as we are playing. 2 seasons ago I was not even sure how to teach a kid how to properly field a grounder. Now I am able to do so with confidence. A couple of seasons ago I could not tell you the job of different fielders base off of score, runners and ball location. Now I can mostly because Ive seen it now. I know where to move my players in different situations but not all situations. For example last game of this last season this kid comes to the plate and we are both playing short handed so anything in the outfield is pretty much a homerun. Kid hits it just between short and third and then next time just past first. So I take my first baseman push him to the grass and pitcher and push him to left field (again im playing with 7 kids no outfielders) With both being told run it to second if you get it and just for this one batter. He comes up again and hits it straight to the first baseman who tracks it down amd then runs the kid out between third and home. Next time up the first baseman makes a quicker play and catches the kid between first and second. Slight adjustment that I learned and saw quick. I was also lucky to have 2 boys who understand baseball enough to understand Im out here to make the play then back to my normal spot. I am learning as we go and I love it.

This maybe what I love the most is the buy in from the boys on the ballfield. In soccer many kids are there because mom or dad said they had to play a sport and soccer is the cheapest easiest to play. Baseball is a past time its a love and when a boy falls in love with it, it becomes a passion. Ive literally seen it happen on the field. For my son I saw the passion happen when he hit the first ball off the tee over the backyard fence. I remember the days of use the backyard as a batting cage only to see balls go 10 feet away. That was 9 months ago and cant happen now we need a batting net now because he would break the neighbors window. I saw one boy realize he loved ball when a foul ball hit by him made the entire crowd oh and awe. I watched one little boy who could care less about baseball get super serious when he put the catchers gear on. I have seen a young man who was only there because dad loves baseball turn on a ball one day and hit his first home run become a baseballoholic. That boys breathes and eats ball now. I had one little man turn to me post game after spending almost the entire season without barely saying a word to me and said “coach I hit two today, Ive never hit two in a game.” High fived me and ran away.

Ive only been doing this for 3 seasons and I cant tell you how much I truly care for and genuinely want the best for every boy thats played for me. Ive even gone to a couple of their games in a higher level this last season purely to rout for them. I can see myself doing this for years. Now I won’t lie it does help my son is not just a run of the mill player and loves the game so much he spends most days practicing and begging me to practice with him. That does help and his love does help me love the game more myself.

I am working on trying to make a more permanent team in the near future for him because I think young men develop life long bonds with other like minded men and he needs that proper support group to grow up strong. I have that group for me in Marines from 2nd Platoon and others from my time in. I want him to have that same bond of “war” without the war and I want to at the same time give myself an outlet to keep myself on a good path mentally.

Im not sure if I have ever mentioned it here but thoughts of self harm and depression are seriously reduced in me when I am mid season because I have a team relying on me not just my family because sometimes we get so jaded we think family will be better without me alive, but I never think anyone can take my place on the field and taking care of the boys like I can. So selfishly I will be looking to add more field time to my life to help my depression levels dip more and give me the ability to help affect the future of our country.