I have said many times over my story is no more special than anyone else’s story. Its amazing to me how many people live a life with just as many issues and anxieties and depressions as me. I sometimes question how it is that we wake up the next day and crawl toward the finish line while everyone else seems to be running this race of life just fine. Turns out they’re not!

Surprise, surprise everyone you pass in life is dealing with something, or has been through something, or is battling something. Many of us get so focused on our problems that we don’t stop to see what others are dealing with. The blinders we put on with ourselves and our problems causes more problems than the problem themselves.

The day I decided to coach I was so concerned about my appearance and how others would accept me or not that the night before my first practice I didn’t sleep. I spent more time coming up with my speech for the team and parents and not any time on a practice plan. This backfired so quickly it wasn’t funny. First off not one person has ever cared that I look weird and if they do they haven’t said a word. Every once in a while some teenage or young adult will be taken back by my hands and like in the case of the Taco Bell drive-thru lady, drop my debit card on the ground. I tell most parents not to be embarrassed by questions from kids. Turns out most of them think it’s a cool feature and want to know how their hands can get the lines and wrinkles in it like mine.

I have said to many that it would be easy for me to lose the ability to go out and just take all the pills and never leave my house again. Succumb to my disabilities and just never live life again. At the same time, I can also go out and let the doubts in my head ruin my life. I have found a way to live and function but I battle daily with he doubt and the depression of not being a whole man. This is my burden and my trial to bear.

I can take these weights and burdens and let them weigh me down and think that my life is so much harder than others. My life is then only one touched by fire and death and depression. Then “Smack” you get hit by a person coming in and telling their life story with you guessed it a fire ruining their life but wait that fire saved their life because that fire lead them to a place of peace and serenity.

We all think the people around us on a daily basis have things together but once you actually start talking to people you realize, wait they are all just like me. Oh, he leads the church development program and is a family member of the pastor, must have been saved since forever, and lived a Godly life. Nope, went on a bender in college lost everything, and took years to put life back together. Oh that person is the piano player at church must have had a great life growing up. Wait he was an alcoholic for many years and didn’t find Jesus till late in life now uses his talents for God.

We assume a lot when we have blinders inward towards ourselves. If we never take the time to learn about the backgrounds and lives, you will never truly know those around you. This is a newer thing to me and for the first time in forever, I am looking forward to time around people and getting to listen to others and learn about them. If for nothing else than an example of what can be overcome. Whether it’s sickness, disabilities, depression, family, or even suicidal ideation.

I have spent years in my own little bubble not letting many people truly close to me because people can hurt you and people don’t understand me if I don’t let them close enough to do so. Learning to let people closer is something I am doing now and learning to truly understand and acknowledge others’ pain is something I am also learning. I’ve spent years hiding pain so I always  just assume everyone else should too and haven’t cared to truly care what others are going through.

I named this post Indigo due to a song I have been fixated on. I have always been very musically motivated and express myself through music and a lot of my brain works better when I get certain music playing. My wife thinks I’m weird because I listen to depressing music and am happier, whereas I hate listening to happy upbeat music because it makes me angry. I do not understand why this is and maybe one day I will look into it but until then I will continue to listen to my depressing music.  Anyways lately I have been listening to a song called Indigo as it reminds me of myself and I like the chorus so I sing it a lot.

The song says I used to shine bright like gold, now my colors are Indigo. It reminds me that I need to take the blue feelings I live with today and try and shine like that gold I used to. It says a lot to me even if others can’t understand this, to me it’s a way to tell myself that I need to recognize this blue feeling and find a way to shine gold again for my family. My kids need to see the man I can be and to do so I must first remember others also feel this blue feeling to and need someone to find them and help them shine bright too.