Another Memorial Day passed when the phone blew up with calls from names of people I hadn’t heard from in a year. Text notifications from people who last texted on Nov 10th and a group chat grew alive for the first time in months. I am not free from this same issue as I made calls to people I hadn’t talked to in months and checked on multiple people I normally don’t worry too much about. This day of Memorial has gone from a day of hotdogs and marshmallows to a day we all fear will bring that dreaded call.

We got that call at my house. Well, it was a Facebook post that turned into calls and texts. We lost another one today. This time it wasn’t someone that was supposed to be at risk on this weekend. It wasn’t even someone any of us called it was a wife, not just any wife this particular wife was my wife’s best friend for many years. The girl who strolled Parris Island watching their men run circles and the girl my wife learned to live river floats with. At one point those two were almost inseparable and have stayed friends through the miles and the years.

This got me thinking about how we never know who is rocking on that edge and who is suffering from a loss. We know it is an epidemic among combat veterans to have issues with suicide and depression. But nobody thinks about the women in those men’s lives. I know for me, my wife went through a combat deployment where she had no control over what was going on overseas I did. She had dinners and parties with kids in the unit and since then she has attended their funerals because they lost their battles with their minds. She has had to watch me go through depression and anxiety. She is never the one who gets the call on Memorial weekend she just survives. She’s not alone as many of our wives have all been in those exact shoes and have to just get overlooked.

With this, I want to focus real quick on two types of people. Those Thinking about ending it all and those Surviving others doing it.

Those who are sitting there thinking about ending your own life I want you to stop and think about a couple of things. I want you to close your eyes and imagine you’re a fly on the wall of the closest person to you getting told you are gone. Thinking about how that will be taken. Thinking about the screams and tears, the agony you would see on their faces. Now take it a step further and think of others you know finding out you’re gone. Think of all the people who will blame themselves for your passing. Imagine being at your funeral and seeing your friends hugging your mom and dad telling them they are sorry they couldn’t do more. Thinking about your children crying and living without you. Someone else teaching your son how to hit a baseball. Someone else sitting on the porch waiting for your daughter to come home from her first date. Think about your significant other holding another close telling them to never let them go.

How much of that angered you or made you cry? It is supposed to.

Now to those Surviving those that left. First things first. It is not your fault. You are not responsible for their decisions. You are not the reason. No matter what your mind tells you, you are not at fault. Your mind will play tricks on you. I blamed myself for a long time for my brother’s death. Not seeing his addiction not stopping it. I had to learn it was not my fault and never was. I had to fight that demon and overcome it. It’s the same for anyone else dealing with losing someone. You will blame yourself and think you didn’t do enough but that person wasn’t thinking about you or your feelings or love or they wouldn’t have done it. They were doing something for them that they felt was right for them.

As someone who has been to the edge, I wasn’t thinking about others as I stared down the abyss. All I thought about was ending the pain and depression. It was all about me, not others. It was others who brought me back and I could have easily missed that message and not been here like many of my friends.

I wish I could get ahold of every one of my friends and let them know they are loved on their worst days, they are loved and wanted. I wish I could tell everyone blaming themselves for a loss they are not the reason and there is nothing you could have done differently other than love as you did and love others just as much. Don’t stop loving others because of the pain. Don’t let the pain stop you from helping others from joining your loved one.

I am sorry for all those hurting and those who feel like they need to end it all. I wish I could hug you and tell you you’re loved and wanted. Please call someone if your at the point of ending it I promise your wanted and loved.