I’m sorry I haven’t posted this week, I have written a ton and just not posted. This is because I was writing angry about some things and decided after typing multiple complete posts up that it’s best that some things be left to myself. Many times in life, we find that people run their mouths or say things out of need to just say something and don’t realize that they are completely destroying someone else’s foundation.

This week, someone who obviously does not understand children’s sports had a few words with me that more than angered me to the point I wrote an entire blog post on children’s sports and what’s wrong with adults in it. I decided to save it and rewrite it later because much of the post was angry and came out more like I was lashing out than trying to educate those that do not understand how their mentality is ruining sports and why the older ages of sports leagues are bare of middle talent or fringe starter talent. I eventually will write that piece, and I want to make it matter more and be less of a reaction to poor thought patterns.

I realize more and more as I deal with and confront my mental health that so many people have no idea what true depression or PTSD really looks and feels like. So many people hear the letters PTSD and think of John Rambo in the woods running around with a knife in his mouth, covered in his own feces. The word depression makes them think of the donkey from Pooh Bear. When in reality, it’s nothing of the sort. Depression is the smiling face staring back at you as you’re having dinner with a friend.

Lately, I see the term PTSD and it’s a buzzword for almost ever little experience. To the point that those who truly have it don’t want anyone to know because it shameful to them. I remember the first time a friend in the military said he was diagnosed with PTSD. It changed my perspective on a lot of things. He told me that he was having some issues sleeping, so he patrolled the house at night, and if he heard a noise while in bed, he cleared the house. I laughed, we all do that, man is what i told him. Turns out we don’t all do that. We don’t all clear the house when we get home from Walmart. We don’t all set up door traps to know if someone opened a door inside the house while we were gone. This surprised me as I thought it was just something men do to protect the home.

It turns out that men who have never seen the violent side of life don’t prepare for it. Those who have never pulled a trigger on someone don’t patrol their house ready for others to bust the door down. It’s not normal to worry about the worst possibly happening.

It’s also not a normal thing to think about ending your own life. I remember growing up and thinking, why would anyone want to do that life is awesome. I remember early on in my military career hearing about it and saying why would that be a problem? Then came that fateful day when the thought of you know peoples lives would be better if you just ended it all. It was a slow and creeping thought at first little pokes of should I, why shouldn’t I. Then the day came. I was sitting their ready to end it all. I even wanted to make it painful because I wanted to teach myself a lesson, and I wanted to know I did it to myself . Luckily, I had a stubborn dog that refused to let me just do it.

I thought for the longest time after it first happened to me that all adults fight suicide but it turns out it’s not that common. Yes, people may have thought about it once or twice, but to fight it like those of us who saw war at its full range, it is not normal. I constantly wonder why we have fallen into this pit. I wonder if it’s just the fact that we have come face to face with death and understand it. Maybe, if I am correct, it’s more of a feeling of not belonging. The first time I wanted to end it was because I didn’t belong anymore, and I just wanted to get away from the world I lived in.

The day I realized that suicide is not a normal fight is when someone told me they didn’t understand why someone would kill themselves. I was like, wait, you don’t fight that? Nope, it turns out most people don’t and also have no idea why it’s so common among veterans to do so.

To those people, I would like to take some time and explain to you why those people who, in all honesty, are the mentally strongest people you will ever meet, yet have the hardest time dealing with reality.

It all starts with a change of who we are at a foundational level. Boot camp is set up to not only break us of being human but to train us to rely on those around us, as well as be reliable to those we rely on. At the base of all people is the base survival skill. In the normal person’s brain, it’s fight or flight. In the veterans’ brain, it’s fight for my brothers till we all go down. Flight isn’t a thing we do anymore if one stays we all stay.

This change in our core beliefs stays with us, and those who see combat get even more ingrained with it as we spent months living day to day knowing that we didn’t have to watch every direction because our brother had that other direction for us. Then comes the day we get out, and it’s all just you now. We no longer have people we know and can trust around us, and now we must rely on just ourselves. The normal person this is part of life for them they never were forced to rely on others and never had people so close to them that they came before family in phone calls for special occasions.

If I were to tell a civilian, they need to call 5 people to complete a top secret, tell nobody, or you are going to jail tomorrow mission. Most of them wouldn’t know who to call. Veterans have a list longer than their arm. If I had to call 5 today, it would be a harder time deciding which 5 would be less likely to tell my wife an old deployment story.  This is both a blessing and a curse. You have these people that are closer than family to you, but they aren’t near you anymore, so life sucks.

This is where the depression hits. You’ve been trained to rely on your brothers, and you’ve seen the worst of life. Now nobody around you understands you like those you went to war with. Those you went to war with are no longer there to take the weight of life off your shoulders, and now you’re stuck alone fighting life without a battle buddy beside you.

It is at this point that the depression and the weight of the world break down your armor a little at a time until you’re ready to just end it all. Wife, kids, family, and friends, none of them understand how to help you and many times have no idea what you’re going through.

Now, a person who was conditioned to rely on others and saw some of the worst that the world has to offer is alone and trying to combat the world and many times without someone they trust near them to help them with the burdens of emotions and the problems of PTSD and depression. They eventually just give in and end it, seeing that as the most viable answer to their condition.

I said early most have no idea what PTSD really is and how it affects a person. It’s a little different for every person. For me, it’s an inability to sleep many nights along with a fear of sleeping through an emergency. Also, for me, I tend to suppress emotions to not let anyone see how or what I feel. My wife says my worst trait is that of never letting anyone know how I actually feel. I never let people know that my hand is constantly in a state of cramping because the scar tissue pulls the fingers down, and I constantly fight it, for example. I am not alone in this problem. Most veterans I know see hurt and pain as a weakness to be exploited by others, and the only people we trust with our weaknesses aren’t around us to cover our weakness, so we keep them hidden.

For those who don’t understand why veterans have such high rates of suicide. I hope this explanation helps some and helps maybe open your eyes to the fact that so many strong people around you may be holding on by a thread, and you don’t even know.