My wife and girls are out of town today and into tomorrow. I do still have my son with me, but I could have easily dropped him at Grandpas for the night and had a night to myself. If you had caught me a couple of years ago, that’s exactly what I would have done. Then I would have gone and found a pre-roll or two and a 12 pack for the night.

I point this out because for years, it was alcohol and drugs that would put me to sleep to the point that dreams and thoughts wouldn’t keep me awake all night. Many think PTSD is fear of loud noises or a dude running around the house at 2 a.m., screaming and clearing rooms. I mean, I guess it could be, but for most of us, it’s dreams and thoughts of solidarity. It’s the fear that we are alone in our struggle. It’s the thought of not being worth anyone’s time. It’s a constant nagging feeling of being incomplete.

I used to love when my wife and kids left because I could just sit down and relax completely faded to the point of a vegetable in a chair. It was days I looked forward to and got excited about knowing I was alone and didn’t have to worry about anyone or anything.

I know this was not healthy or wise to do, but when you battle your own mind, it was a release from reality for a night. Since I had my accident and my life has taken a drastic change, I find that those old things don’t even sound truly appealing anymore, and at the same time, I still crave it because addiction is a crazy thing. Instead, I found something else today to get into, and honestly, I’m sitting in my chair listening to my son play video games right now completely relaxed.

Timmy and I spent the morning and most of the afternoon running around, making some money. We wanted to get some snacks and drinks and stuff for our evening plans. We spent about 5 hours making money and went shopping.

Shopping with a 5 year old is hilarious, by the way. We spent probably thirty minutes deciding all our snacks and drinks. I wanted to introduce him to my favorite when mommy is away food in spaggetti-ohs. We grabbed that, and then I took him to the snack aisle and told him to choose his poison. He spent forever in debate over which snack he really wanted and settled on Hostess cupcakes. He has never had them before, but Mommy wouldn’t normally let him grab, so that was his choice.

We then had a quick walk down the chip aisle for his chips and turned into the soda area in which he spent a literal 10 minutes debating his choices because I told him I would drink whatever he chose and he could have some too. He chose Mellow Yellow.

We got home and had a quick dinner and got ready to leave and headed to Savannah, a town 40 minutes away for a tent meeting being held by a friend and his church he has recently stepped in to Pastor.

Let me say my family is out of town, and in the past, I would never leave my house for much, let alone go to church on a Friday night. My son also got the chance to listen to a good message I think he enjoyed. He seems to like the tent meeting setting as he can look at nature while at church. 

We have since the meeting come home. I set him up in the bedroom with snacks and drinks on a towel and told him he could play till he fell asleep. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s one night, and it’s special.

I want him to remember we worked for our food. Went to church and then spent the evening hanging out playing video games until we passed out.

I tell you this story to tell you the part this plays in my life. I went to church tonight and felt welcome in a place only 1 person knew me before tonight. I was welcomed in and had good conversations with multiple people. I spent years going to bars on Friday night, and I was never welcomed there like that because the bar scene is just a fight for the attention of the opposite sex or the same sex if that’s what they were into.

Something has changed in my life to a point where I can walk into church or a tent and feel closer to others and at home more than anywhere I have ever been before when fighting my personal demons or whatever you want to refer to the PTSD I carry like a badge of honor.

It’s nights like tonight that I remember why I want to get this feeling to my fellow veterans. A good message on Nehemiah and nice conversations afterward. I left toward home feeling like I was ready for the next day. I get to spend the evening making my son have memories of late night video game playing with dad. I remember my first all-nighter, and I will always remember it.

I have had a great day hanging with my son. Old me would have dumped him and been high and drunk all day into the night. The new me actually had fun and did things and taught my son that life is work for food and prioritizing God over video games. It is also alright after doing everything else first to spend the night playing games if it doesn’t interfere with responsibilities.

Oh, the day I have had, and I wish I could share it with all my brothers. It was amazing just having a place to feel at home and spend the day with my son having fun.