I don’t know about everyone else, but my natural response to most things is sarcasm. I say this mostly because I love singing Moana’s Your Welcome to people. It makes me happy even if I’m doing it, knowing the other person (usually my wife) is not actually thanking me for what I am doing. Is this wrong of me, or is it just a personality quirk of mine.

I have been examining my life under a personal microscope lately. It has been me versus me a lot lately. I have been doing this for multiple reasons. The first is that if we are to grow as people and Christians, we must know and understand who we are and where we need to improve on. The second is a focus of mine to become a better person to those around me. The third is a personal goal of mine to know and understand my own convictions and understandings, so I have spent many nights here of late contemplating and studying what I am and what I want to be. This explains my last few nights not posting as I have been soul searching and in my Bible trying to understand what it is I truly believe as a Christian, man, father, and coach.

This is an ongoing experience in my life and something I will be doing for the foreseeable future as I nail down who I am and who I want to be. Many of us thought we knew who we wanted to be when we were younger, but as life hits us, we find that we have turned into something very different than who we envisioned ourselves to be. This is my case, and seeing that my life took a giant turn a couple of years ago, I am not who I was striving to be for years, and my entire identity took a massive merge from one lane to another. I just kind of went with it at first and just did what seemed right and what I knew from growing up was what I was taught.

Now, I have reached a point where I have to define the values of what I believe and who I am first and foremost to myself. Secondly to others as I now endeavor to start a veterans outreach. The people that I will need the trust and help from will ask and should ask me what I stand for and why. Right now, I can’t answer all the questions with a good enough reason for myself, let alone for someone else. I know the answers they are looking for, but I am not sure if I understand why or know if that is actually how I feel.

I have also spent a ton of time this last season trying to define myself as a coach. It seems like a weird thing to worry about, but I have 4 children, and I intend to coach as much of any sport they want me to. If for no other reason than to be close with my kids and Secondly because I know no other coach will have the drive to push my kids and love them the whole time. The issue is I have found I do not like the coach I was originally, and I am learning that coaching is more than just knowing the game. It’s handling kids and parents and referees and other coaches. So one thing I have decided is no matter the sport I want to be known for a specific thing in each sport. In soccer, I prefer it to be a strong defense. I can teach offense, but having a strong defense has always been a staple of my teams, but I want it to be known you play my team it’s going to be a tough battle for goals. In baseball, I am just starting, but I want to always have the strongest fielding team in every season. You will get strong hitters all the time, but if I train fielding hard, I can always have the best fielding team. Whatever other sport I get into, I’m sure it will be a defensive stat I worry about because that’s my normal worry.

I have also been really concerned about my sideline demeanor more this season than any other. I lost my cool this year in a game, and since then, I actually think I’ve been less controlling and more instructive during games. I have also found myself to be much more positive lately with the team. Which was a goal I had with myself after I lost it in a game.

As a father, I have been concerned about what I am showing my kids. For my son, I need him to see how a man treats not only women but also other people. Not only to their faces but behind closed doors. I made the mistake of saying something about a player of mine in the presence of my children, and they started to see them as exactly that. For my daughters, I want them to have an example of what type of man they are looking for.

Which brings me to what type of husband am I? No, really, it’s a question I have had to get into lately. Most would never know it, but in the early years of our marriage, I was mean and controlling. I won’t make excuses for it, and I’m lucky Zoey came when she did because divorce was close at one point. Now, I ask myself, am I good enough for her. She’s better at parenting than me. She’s better at peopling than me. She forgives me faster and cares more than I ever will in an emotional sense. So who am I and what do I want to be.

All of these things hang in my mind that past week or so, and all I know is I want to be the best at each of the faces of Michael. I think this could be a journey that I really needed and I am sure I will share more of it as I go because I think im rewriting my person right now and I am excited to see who I am after this edit.