Another season starts, and there is another loss on my tally sheet. Anybody keeping track of my record would know it’s poor. I win a few here and there, but overall, record wise, I am a giant loser as a coach. Now I know that at this age and being a recreational league, it’s more about having fun with friends and getting out of the house for most kids. For me, it’s a chance to hang out with my kids and become better at something.

For someone who struggles with depression losing is super hard some days. I walked into tonight, convinced the team would win, and part of that was trying to project that on my team and make them walk on the field with swagger and not limp onto the field. We lost on some things that I feel are my fault, not the players. I didn’t spend enough time teaching my defense how to clear. I was so worried about my offense passing that the defense kind of just took a backseat because I usually have a good defense.

The hardest part is I think I acted wrong tonight on the sidelines as we started to lose. I just wanted to walk away and catch my breath half the time. I wanted to teach kid how to do it right. I didn’t want to just sit back and yell. I don’t think they understood half the things I was saying, so I yelled more, making me look angry when I wasn’t. I was just irritated over the mouths of certain players on the other team chirping. I was irritated at the mouths of certain players on my team chirping back and downgrading our own players for mistakes.

I sit here tonight pondering how to reach kids better. Maybe I need to change my approach? I definitely need to change my sideline demeanor. I fear I am too hard on the kids instead of being encouraging during games. I want to be, but I guess I have not figured out what type of coach I really am yet. I need to find that out and be better not only in the game but in practice. I really think I’m two different coaches, especially when I’m losing. I don’t like to lose it, angers me to lose. I get upset and want to fight back when I’m losing, but that’s me and the competitor in me.

In good news, Ellie turned a new leaf today, and I saw the fruits of daily practice pay off today, along with buy-in from her. She played strong and hard all game. She even put a few on goal, not goals, but she took shots. That’s more than I can say about most games. Actually, she took more shots on net tonight than all her games combined ever. So I’ll take that win.

Tonight was not a complete lose I saw a little girl get mad and play out of her mind for 2 quarters after a bad mistake. I saw a boy I have been training to be a 1 on 1 defender keep  the best player on the other side in check 99% of the game until he got free on one shot and beat him. I watched the team Captain score 2 and should have had 2 more if he had just not missed by inches. I watched a goalie stop a bunch that most kids would have let go in. I watched a couple of girls who are finding their spot on the team just show out a little bit as they got comfortable.

The team is the best I’ve fielded. The question is, can I be a better coach for them? Am I holding back their progression, being selfish and coaching my daughter, who needs a hard hand to lead her. I guess it is what it is. I’ll be a coach again next season, too, because I love the sport. I will do a bit more self reflection and figure out how to be better on the sidelines.