I start this post knowing full well people may read this and misunderstand it. Many people see addiction as weakness and the result of being an evil and vile person. The truth is we are all addicted to something some of us found nicotine, some found caffeine, and other harder things that made us feel good for a minute.

Why am I now writing about this? Well, yesterday, I received some news that had me standing at the gas station looking at the beer section with a gaze I had not had in years. I used to be what many would call an alcoholic. So as I stood there looking, telling myself I’m an adult, I can do what I want. This has been a fight I’ve had with myself for years, and usually, it lasts about ten seconds and gone. But yesterday, I think I might have decided which 6 pack I was buying before I remembered what was really important in my life.

It’s been 3 years since I had a drink, and I haven’t even come that close to a drink in that time. How can something that I don’t even care about anymore still call my name in a moment of weakness and I listen. It’s the grip of addiction. My brain remembers the feeling of the buzz. It doesn’t remember the pain the next morning or the damage done to the organs. When your addiction is sitting in front of you, all you see is the fun it brought you, not the pain.

I had many “fun” club nights and bar hops. So much “fun” when it was happening, but what was really fun about blacking out, fighting, and throwing up everywhere at the end of the night?

If the beer isn’t bad enough, I fight a bigger addiction daily to the point where I fear it’s hold on me in a moment of weakness. I smoked for twenty years, and it was my go-to for everything. My wife used to say I never stayed mad because I would just go smoke, and it was my minute to think things out. It was bad enough that I had constantly been smoking a pack plus a day for over 15 years.

I had stopped drinking for nine years at one point out of fear of what I would do while drunk, especially with the struggles I was having with my mental health. I knew that keeping myself sober was necessary, or else I wouldn’t make it another year. The first time I drank in 9 years was Johnny’s funeral, where I went and bought a bottle of Jack and a couple cokes. I spent the next few months in and out of soberness just trying to make it to the next day.

I know people look down on a drunkard and druggie. What they don’t understand is its usually not the choice of the person to be that way. I had walked away from the booze for years, and it found its way back in. I’ve watched as a dependency on a drug literally killed others. It’s not a choice many times as once your addicted it has a hold on your soul like nothing else. Let’s be honest many people look down on those with addiction while holding a Coke or Dr. Pepper. While they chew on that gum and chow on their favorite girl scout cookie. Addiction is different for us all, and understanding that some of us have the ability to give it up easier than others and at the same time just because it’s not a “bad” addiction makes it no less of an addiction.

I fight old addictions daily, and every time I think I have it whipped, I find myself standing in the beer aisle, wondering what that new ale tastes like or what my old beer would taste like today. I face my old enemy Camel every day at the gas station.

I tell yall this secret about me because I’m so tired of people acting like people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol are far gone because three years ago, I was in those shoes. If you don’t believe people can change, I am a living proof of it. At the same time, you that are fighting those urges know you have a friend in me. I understand that pull and fear of messing up. Know that you have me in your corner.

For those who can’t see past the addiction. Take a moment to think about who these people are. In most cases, they don’t want to be the person they are and wish to be better. It takes a lot for a person to come out of addiction and even more for them to stay out.