Sorry, my family went and all got sick, so I have been a little off the past few days. I was driving home today from church thinking about what it was that I wanted to write about today. I have shared a few stories that have made me who I am today, but I have not shared the single most impactful thought I had that changed me from who I was to who I am.

We all have moments in our lives that define who we are as a person. The day I raised my hand and repeated after him. They day I stood on the yellow foot prints. The day I received my EGA. The day the sniper bullet hit the bulletproof glass in front of me. The day the blasting cap fell out of the IED and didn’t explode properly. The day the sniper missed. The day she said I do. The day I pushed that kid to the hospital. The day the PFC put the dropped charges on my desk. The day the little stick had a positive sign. The day I was handed my DD214. The day my wife and kids walked out with the blue balloon. The day I wouldn’t go home till I found him laying there. The day we opened the shop. The day I died.

These moments all play a significant role in my life. The thing none of us knows is when is the last moment. I saw what the last moment looked and felt like. I have a little insight into knowing what it feels like to know you’re dying. I would love to take a minute and tell you how that feels and what you think about.

I have stated that almost until I saw how urgent the paramedics eyes looked, I did not know how badly I was hurt. I honestly went from okay hurry up. I want to go home to wait, this is really bad in a matter of seconds.

The first thing I did was panicked a little because I didn’t like not knowing what was going on. I tried to take charge of the situation and told the paramedics what they could and couldn’t do. They, of course, hushed me and told me to bad we already did that you’re behind. I remember looking and seeing 2 IVs in me, one in each arm. I was thinking when did that happen and then the realization hit.

I stopped moving and said something to the effect of 4 combat tours, and this gets me. What no one else knows is I got silent then, and as my eyes closed, all I could think about was my failures in life. I thought of all the times I had failed like a looped play from a bad dream. I thought of all my mistakes that haunt my life, like if I had done this right, I wouldn’t be here, or this wouldn’t have happened.

Next, my family came to my mind. I wanted to hug my children again, I wanted to not have spent so much time at work away from them. I wanted to go on adventures with them and be in their lives more. I wanted to teach them to play sports and shoot guns. I just wanted to see them grow up and wanted to go back and be there more.

Most don’t know this, but my wife and I were in the middle of a huge fight the day I went down. Actually, on most weeks, my son would have been with me on a Wednesday at 12 pm. Due to that fight, he was not because she was mad at me. It’s a good thing the fight happened, but it’s a bad thing because I was dying with us fighting. Talk about a hard pill for her to swallow watching me die in a hospital with our last talk being a fight.

I remember realizing this was it. I was on my way to Heaven as it wasn’t a question to me where I was going but then I got scared. I’m going to Heaven, but I didn’t follow His call in my life. So I was going there to be a free loader. I didn’t give my life to God like I was supposed to, and that’s when I got scared. I was actually going to for real die.

I hear Christians all the time say things like threatening me with Heaven, or if I don’t wake up, I’ll be in a better place. The thought should actually scare you are you truly ready to face God with the decisions you’ve made and the life you’ve led for or apart from Him. You’re in Heaven because Jesus gave his life for you, and you have done what for Him? Yes, salvation is free, but James says faith without works is dead. So I knew I was going to Heaven, but I was going empty-handed.

I am not saying you can do ANYTHING to earn Heaven. I am saying Paul said he ran his race he finished his course. He was happy with how he ran it and still called himself the chief sinner. For me, I knew I was going, but I was not leaving a reputation as someone who loved and served God. This scared me more than anything else.

I woke up ten days later, happier than anyone else could have in that situation. Many asked why are you so happy to be in the hospital and work so hard to get out.

The truth is I realized I was given a second chance to do it right and be a better father and husband and Christian. Those last moments of my life, I realized that I did not want to die. I wanted to live and do the right thing.

I say this to say I am sure that those who decide to end it all play the last moments of their lives just like mine and see what I saw and realize they to do not want to die. If you ask anyone who has survived a real full-on suicide attempt, they all say one thing. I WANTED TO LIVE!