Psalms 46:10
[10]Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

The most common phrase in the Bible is one version or another of Be Not Afraid. Why is this such a repeated phrase in the Bible? Does it come down to the natural human condition is fear and worry?

I won’t lie that this year has not been easy on me so far. I have been fighting what I thought originally was kidney stones, but now fear might be worse. This fear took hold, and I have been a wreck since unable to sleep, unable to muster up the confidence I normally have in many situations. I am not afraid of death. I know where I am going. I fear not having completed my work here and leaving four children without a father to love them.

My wife is constantly on me about being more open. I get asked if I am in pain, I say no. The truth is I live in a constant state of pain. To me, it is no means no more than usual. I do not wish anyone to take pity or to see me as weak, so I say nope, not in pain. This makes my wife mad because she says nobody will ever understand it’s not that you’re not in pain. You deal with it, but you are still in pain.

My fear of looking weak overshadows my fear of health issues. So I tend to tough out everything so others don’t see me as weak. I fear that this kidney issue is related to the accident and maybe worse than even I could guess. I have finally been talked to going to my doctor to see what she says. I fear the VA medical system.

Why trust a system that stops having to pay you if you die and at the same time is in charge of keeping you alive? I have seen too much bad from the VA why trust it. But Trump made it so you can see other people. Yes, this is true, but the system you have to go through takes months to get accepted through and pretty much kills you in a wait. It took 6 months for a surgery consult on my pinky.

I fear the pain. I am scared the pain will come back like it was the other day. I do not fear the pain as much as the way my brain says. Let’s just die. When your brain already fights a voice that says end it. Pain just brings a second voice to the party of yeah. This sucks. Let’s just call it a day.

I fear the looks. I do not care what people think of how I look now. It took a bit to get to this point, but now. Hey, I’ve earned my scars, have you? No, I fear the look of oh another thing wrong with him go figure. How can he be worth the time and effort if it’s just one medical issue after another.

My fear has crept into my head and has me doubting my abilities at everything. I can’t play games right now because I’m not confident. I can’t even train my kids without double-checking myself because I’m not sure I’m doing it right.

Today, I was sitting there just contemplating what I needed to do to just get my mind back from the fear when the verse I started with hit my brain. I tell my kids on Sundays and Wednesdays that we memorize verses, so we have them when we need them. Today, I used a verse I had the Junior Church memorize last week. It was exactly what I needed. I had let fear creep in and forgot that He is still God, and maybe I’m supposed to meet someone due to this little medical issue, or maybe I needed to face another trial so He could show more people he is stronger than any issue we may have.

I am unsure of what and why this is happening, but I am taking a Be still and know approach for the rest of this episode.